Top Ten Excuses: Governor Sanford
No, I’m not finished with it.
Last night I had the house to myself (the remote) so I settled down to a warm teev to see what the world has to say about Governor Sanford.
What a nice looking guy, seriously. You can see why we’re all so upset. He seems so presidential, has a little of the Lincoln jaw.
Anyway, the media is brutal and I’m pretty worried about the Gov’s mental health. A sensitive man like him could get suicidal listening to what I heard last night, pundits and comics blasting him to smithereens. So we won’t blast here, not much.
On the other hand, there’s so much to blast.
You play you pay, Governor. And we learn all kinds of things, do we not, from our elected officials.
David Letterman feels sorry for not only the first family, but also the good people of South Carolina who have to endure this embarrassment. The governor, facing television cameras tells us:
(a) he went hiking
(b) he was exhausted
(c) he needed to get away
(d) he’s really, really sorry–the list went on like the thank you speeches at the Academy Awards, and
(e) oh yeah, he had an affair.
He should have come clean, continues Letterman, should have told us straight up: I was taking care of business. You don’t say, I was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Say, I had s a board of trade meeting in South America. I’m looking at silos.
Letterman’s top ten excuses. We’ll add our own in a second.
10. Did I say hiking? I meant, cheating!
9. I had to do something after the devastating news about Jon and Kate!
8. I learned everything I know from Governor Spitzer.
7. Let’s talk about more important things, like the Nestle Tollhouse cookie recall.
6. I learned everything I know from Governor McGreevey (apparently McG had an affair with his limo driver)
5. It’s Ahminadajab’s fault.
4. If you met my wife, you’d leave the country, too.
3. I’m auditioning for the Amazing Race (whatever that is)
2. If you run the state and have to leave the country for a week, since when do you need to tell someone?
1. It wasn’t me, it was my alter ego, Bruno.
So let’s add a few!
10. I can’t communicate well with my wife, can’t tell or show her what I need or want, it’s too embarrassing to talk that way.
9. After all, she’s really scary. Have you met her?
(She looks like the nicest person you’ll ever want to meet, and she doesn’t need him, by the way, her family owns the Skill tool company and has an MBA).
8. I have no imagination, zero.
7. I believe that it is women who are responsible for keeping their men interested, and that means they should be tan, preferably show tan lines.
6. If you have a close friend then how are you supposed to be able to stop that friendship from becoming sexual? Especially if you share so many of the same things, like you both have children? And why wouldn‘t you ask her for her email address?
5. I have an honest face, the people love me, I can get away with this. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
4. Denial is just a river in Egypt. Maybe I’ll go there, too, check out some silos.
3. I’m in politics. What do you want?
2. I have a spiritual adviser so I’m working on it. Love the sinner, hate the sin.
1. And as Bob and Ray, that famous radio comedy team used to say, paraphrasing Nixon
NUTS! I’ll never run again!
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