How to Leave an Abuser
The most important thing to do is to prepare, prepare, prepare – if possible. There are times when the only thing you can do is run, and run for your life. If that is the spot you find yourself in, don’t beat yourself up. Your abuser has already done that. If you are fortunate enough to be able to prepare your escape think it through carefully. Carefully planning your exit can save you a lot of heartache and headaches down the road. These are not necessarily in order. Do them as the opportunity arises and safety allows.
1. Decide where you can go
Decide whether you are still free enough to walk away or not. Decide where you need to go; to a friend’s, a family member’s, a shelter or a hotel? What do you need to arrange before leaving? If the shelter has a waiting list, how long will you have to wait? Can you wait that long? If there is no domestic violence shelter in your area, if the waiting list is too long or if you are male and the domestic violence shelter only allows women consider going to a homeless shelter. I work at a homeless shelter and we receive many families due to domestic violence. I cannot speak for all shelters, but we have a security force at ours and are very responsive to domestic violence situations. Notify shelter staff immediately upon your arrival of your situation. If you can provide a clear photo of the abuser and the abuser’s name, it will help them keep you and your children safe. Do not think for one minute that you are the first abused spouse to come to the shelter. If you are male, do not think you are the first, or the last, abused male to enter the shelter. If the shelter staff act like they have never heard of this before it is their ignorance, not your shame. We see this all the time, especially since crack cocaine and methamphetamine entered the scene. An educated shelter staff will support you in protecting yourself and/or children from abuse. They should not shame you – whether you are male or female.
2. Put some supports in place.
If you have been with your abuser for any length of time he or she has probably worked to sever other relationships you have (or had) with family and friends. Reestablish those relationships. Tell them what has been going on. Don’t be ashamed. The shame is on the abuser, not you.
3. Secure your personal information
That includes bank accounts, credit cards, a security word to pick up your children from the daycare or school, internet passwords to your email, Facebook, MySpace or utility accounts, etc. Change all website passwords. Gather together all of your identity paperwork and secure it: birth certificates for you and your children, Social Security cards, state driver’s license or identification, car registration and insurance, and passports. Transfer any property over to your name that you need to (like your car registration) if it will not put you in further danger or further agitate your abuser. Gather any other documents you want to protect from harm; photo albums, letters, journals, school records, university degrees, resume. Place important documents in a safety deposit box and make sure only you can access to it. Make a list of all telephone numbers and addresses you need to take with you; family members, friends, your doctors, the children’s doctors, dentists, accountant, attorney, etc. Take an updated copy of your resume and a complete work history. Set up a separate checking or savings account with only your name on it. Be sure to notify the bank of the situation and put a password on your account. Contact Social Security and notify them of the situation for you and your children and put a password on your and/or your children’s Social Security information. If you have custody papers for your children, divorce agreements from previous marriages or other court documents of importance be sure to secure those.
4. Communicate
Let relevant people know what is going on. Choose carefully who you trust. If you need to use a password at your child’s school or daycare or notify them of a protective order be sure to do so. Communicate with your employer about what information can and cannot be provided to callers or people who come by asking about you. Communicate with family and friends you trust about the situation and what steps to take if they are approached. Be clear with everyone about what information they can and cannot release so there is no confusion.
5. Pack an emergency bag
If you will have to make a run for it, know where you will go and how you will get there. Pack an emergency bag and keep it where the abuser cannot find it. This way you just have to grab it and go when the opportunity presents itself.
6. Change your contact information
If possible, without arousing suspicion, change your cell phone number, mailing address, email address, etc. Make it possible for people in your support group to contact you at the new numbers or addresses. Update your contact information with your job, your children’s schools, your pediatrician’s office, etc. Be sure to also notify them of the pending separation and that your new information is confidential and not to be released to anyone you don’t specify. Think carefully about where you may have listed our abuser as next of kin or as a contact person and update that information as well.
7. Document the abuse
If you plan to file charges about the abuse start keeping records. See a medical doctor and have photos of the abuse made. Tell friends and family and keep a journal of dates, injuries, witnesses and where medical records are located.
8. File charges
If you decide to file charges and/or an order of protection contact your attorney or your local district attorney and find out what the procedure is. Some states also provide relocation and/or financial assistance for victims of domestic violence.
9. Change your routine
If you are concerned about your abuser tracking you down, change your daily routine. Take a different route to work. Change your children’s school. Change jobs. Change cities or states if you have to.
10. Report the situation to Child Protective Services
You have a legal duty to protect your children from violence and/or from observing violence. If you are making moves to do so, be sure to report the violence to CPS so you are on record as protecting your children. They may also be able to provide you with relocation services or other assistance, depending upon the state in which you live.
11. If you have a lease
I can only speak for the state of Texas, but there are special provisions for lease holders who have to vacate a premise due to domestic violence. Their lease is automatically nullified without penalty if they follow certain procedures. If your name is on the lease, have it taken off. If your name is the only name on the lease, find out what options you have from your landlord (if you can trust him or her) or your attorney or the district attorney. Don’t just walk away and have an eviction on your record if you can help it. It will make leasing the next property that much harder.
These are just a few suggestions of things to think about before leaving an abuser. Safety must always come first and sometimes you must leave when you can. However, if you have the opportunity to prepare a little it can make the transition a lot easier.
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