Archive for November, 2009
Power Games
Claude Steiner, author of ”Scripts People Live” describes power struggles and maintains that there are two reasons people attempt to use power against others and two kinds of power which can be utilized to bring others under one’s control.
Steiner posits that power moves exist for one of two reasons: 1) scarcity of resources and 2) feelings of worthlessness. This power, according to Steiner, can manifest itself in two forms: 1) physical power and 2) psychic power. Physical power is the actual taking of life, property or land in order to get what you want. Psychic power is using some form of mind control or manipulation to overpower someone.
Steiner proposes that the one reason people exert power over others is due to scarcity of a resource. If it is not possible for everyone to receive their fair share, some will resort to power to take theirs from others. I tend to think of resources as concrete, physical items. But resources can also be love, affection, attention, time. If, for example, a family system is very depleted in any of these resources, family members may resort to power moves to get their fair share of them. Small children may manipulate, whine or act out to get the attention they need from their parents. Adults may play Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer games to get the emotional strokes they need from others. Others may become drama queens to “steal” attention away from others. Still others may bully or intimidate those they love in order to control them and get the “love” they require. I think this form of psychic power, this attempt to take what you need by force or manipulation, is at the heart of domestic violence and other abusive relationships.
Steiner’s second reason why people use power over others is the “hot potato”. If a person feels they are not “O.K.”, they will try to pass this feeling of worthlessness to someone else, like a hot potato. It they can convince themselves or others that the other person is less O.K. they can enhance their own feelings of strength and power. They are then able to say to themselves or others, “at least I’m not as bad as that”. By tearing someone else down, they improve their own standing by comparison. This is often how the scapegoat role in a family or a job setting works. “Look at how badly so-and-so is acting (and how good I look by comparison)”. Some wise person once said, “Criticism is a form of boasting”.
And while physical power is much more obvious, I think in many ways psychic power is much more insidious. We usually think of power struggles as those very blatant ones which involve physical abuse of someone else, such as domestic violence or instances of genocide, such as are we have recently seen in Africa. Psychic power, on the other hand, is a much more slippery slope. Psychic power can be manifested as a form of mind control which convinces people to give up their fair share by convincing them it is to their advantage. Violent relationships don’t start with a slap, but with a mind game. The abuser gets control of their partner’s mind first, then the violence begins. Psychic power can permeate an entire culture without really being seen. It can be used to color how we think about things. Racism and sexism are the results of manipulations of our thinking to convince us that certain sectors of our society are inferior or less worthy. The “war on drugs” and the “war on terror” are mind games used to convince us to give up some of our personal powers and rights and hand them over to those in political office. Psychic power can also be exerted in the form of marketing campaigns. Pharmaceutical companies have convinced us that normal human behaviors such as shyness and fading sexual function with age are “disorders” (respectively Social Anxiety Disorder and Erectile Dysfunction Disorder) which need to be treated, with their medications of course. Marketing campaigns have also been used to convince us that we will be happier if we own the latest electronic gadget, drink the right beer or drive the right car.
Why is this important? It’s important to know when you are being manipulated or bullied. It’s important to know when your ideas, beliefs or feelings are being influenced – and how. Being aware of how power can be used against us helps up to protect ourselves from being unduly manipulated or influenced, whether by societal entities or in our personal relationships.
Posted in 10 Ways to Help an "ADHD" Child – Without Medication
Medications for ADHD can have serious side effects including growth retardation and heart problems. Many parents are looking for ways to help a child who has been diagnosed ADHD without resorting to medications. Here are some non-pharmaceutical ideas. These are by no means in order of importance. Each child is individual. The most important difference for one child might be step #8 while the most important intervention for another may be #1. Use your own judgement.
(Most of these ideas apply equally to adults with ADD or ADHD.)
1. Check the Diagnosis
No one knows your child as well as you. Look up the diagnosis for ADD or ADHD and see if you agree with it. Doctors are not gods and they are heavily influenced by the medical model and the pharmaceutical industry. Consider also whether your child has experienced any kind of event or situation which may have caused trauma or anxiety. Many children with whom I work are anxious due to situations in which they have lived or are living, but are diagnosed as “ADHD”. What looks like “hyperactivity” may be anxiety. What looks like “inattentiveness” may be dissociation, a “spacing out” which is done by many people who have been traumatized. If you think trauma or anxiety is the problem look up the diagnostic criteria for PTSD and the diagnostic criteria for Generalized Anxiety Disorder and see what you think. If the true problem is trauma or anxiety, putting the child on medication for ADHD (which is basically a stimulant) will only make things worse. Imagine being very nervous or scared about something and downing several cups of coffee. Not a good idea.
2. Exercise
I cannot emphasize this enough. Children were not made to sit and be quiet all day. They were made to run and explore in the fresh air and sunshine. I have one parent of an “ADHD” child who was actually struggling with PTSD symptoms. Instead of hustling him off to school during rush hour traffic every morning she got up extra early, ran through the Starbuck’s drive through for a cup of java for herself and took him to the park for an hour. She sipped coffee and read the paper while he ran and played. He arrived at school tired but calm from playing. His school work and concentration improved greatly. He is now in the gifted program at his school and doing very well. This brings up point #3.
3. Be Sure You Aren’t Dealing with a Gifted Child
Gifted children do not tolerate boredom well at all. Their minds are constantly busy and seeking stimulation. In regular classes they will finish their work early and then start getting into “trouble” in an attempt to keep their very active minds stimulated and engaged. If you suspect your child is gifted ask the school to have him tested. The problem may not be the child, it may be the classwork.
4. Nutrition
Another point of contention is constantly feeding children sugar then complaining when they ricochet off the walls. Check your child’s diet, not only what they eat at home, but what they are eating at school. Many schools are now eliminating soda and candy machines for juice and healthier snacks. Fill them with complex carbs (whole grains, beans, vegetables), complex sugars (fruits with fructose instead of candy with sucrose), quality proteins (beans, lean meats) and good fats (olive oil, avocadoes). Simple sugars and carbs break down quickly in the body and give your child’s energy and attention a big boost, followed by an even bigger crash. Complex carbs and sugars, quality proteins and fats break down more slowly and provide a more steady supply of energy throughout the day. You can read the article, “Eating for Mental Health” for more ideas about nutrition’s effects on mental health.
5. Water, Water, Everywhere
Make sure that children are getting enough plain water, not sugary drinks. This is even more important during warm weather or in hot climates and when children are active outdoors. Adequate hydration is important for maintaining concentration and fighting fatigue.
6. Teach Your Child the Skills they Need
To Concentrate
Many parents don’t realize that we have to teach our children how to tolerate frustrations and irritation. We also have to teach them how to concentrate and perservere when tasks are difficult. This requires a lot of time and effort from parents who are already over-burdened just making ends meet which is why we often see it falling by the wayside. But the gargatuan effort you put in now will pay off big in the future when your child moves to higher grades and harder tasks.Invest in inexpensive puzzles that your child has to struggle to complete. Be sure to check the level of difficulty. You want them to be a bit challenging, but not impossible. If they are too difficult it will only reinforce your child’s tendency to give up. Work with your child and encourage them to perservere just a little bit further every time. Watch them carefully and when they have gone that extra distance take a break and play at something active or let them go outdoors or to a nearby park and run around.
Read to your child instead of sitting them in front of the TV or a video game. Encourage them to “help” you sound out the words or read the story. Increase the reading level as they master them. Encourage them to stick with it just a little past where they get tired or frustrated. This teaches them to tolerate frustration. Other areas in which they can practice tolerating frustration may be:
• Finishing homework without an extended break
• Being completely quiet while you are on the telephone
• Brushing teeth before hearing a bedtime story
• Cleaning dinner dishes before playing on the computer
• Finishing dinner before eating dessert
• Not eating breakfast until bed is made
• Not buying sneakers until they are on sale or they really need a new pair
To Delay Gratification
Research has shown that children who can wait for a reward score higher on SATs. They also do better in life. Psychologist Walter Mischel designed experiments that gave children a simple choice: one marshmallow immediately or two marshmallows after an unspecified waiting period. The child who was able to wait twenty minutes for the two marshmallows had a combined SAT score that was 210 points higher than the child who was unwilling to wait. Not only did the children who were able to delay gratification have higher SAT scores, they were also rated by their parents as better able to cope with stress, effectively pursue goals, and resist temptation. Develop a similar reward system for your child. A small reward immediately, a larger reward if they can wait an unspecified amount of time.
7. Structure, Structure, Structure
Most humans feel calmer with a structured routine in their lives. However, the amount of structure individuals needs can vary greatly. This may be genetically programmed at birth. It can definitely be affected by situations such as domestic violence or substance abuse. Children from more chaotic homes or who have experienced some form of trauma need more structure than children who have lived in relatively stable, safe environments their entire lives. Parents and children can have different structural needs. Children who have a need for a highly structured environment who have parents who value autonomy and freedom and see structure as inhibiting can look like ADHD kids when they’re really just very anxious kids. One of my mothers refers to this as being a “Nazi mom”. But she tried it and it worked. Her child is the one mentioned above who is now doing very well in school and getting the highest grades in his gifted class. Her introduction to a much more structured lifestyle calmed him down and made him feel safe after a very traumatic event. This calming effect was immediately reflected in his concentration and frustration tolerance at school (combined with a daily run in the park before school every morning).
Some very simple ways of introducing structure are to develop a morning “ritual” and a bedtime “ritual”. Rituals are very calming to every human mind. That is why religions are often heavily loaded with rituals. Most people turn to religion when they are upset and lighting a candle, reciting a prayer or performing a mantra that is familiar can be very soothing. Rituals for Getting-Ready-For-School and Going-To-Bed can also be calming and familiar. Let your child participate in developing these rituals. Rituals for going to bed should move from more energetic activities (bathing, putting on your pajamas, brushing your teeth) to more calm activities (reading a goodnight story) in order to help the child change their energy levels slowly and gradually.
A family dinner together is a luxury many families can no longer manage. If you can, this is a wonderful “ritual” to practice. Dinner is at the same time every night and everyone is expected to be there. Turn off the television, the video games and the music and actually have a quiet conversation with each other.
Scheduling times to do homework everyday is also very helpful. If the child has been sitting in a classroom before you pick them up, let them come home or go to the park and play for awhile to burn off energy. If they’ve been playing at an after school program and have had a chance to run around you might have them sit down and do homework immediately upon arriving home, or while you cook dinner. If not, doing homework immediately after dinner might be more easily accomplished.
Be sure to develop a schedule that works for Mom and Dad as well as the child. If it doesn’t work for you, you won’t maintain it. If you don’t maintain it, the whole purpose of developing the schedule, to have a regular routine, is lost.
8. Sleep
I have found that a lot of children performing poorly in school are simply not getting enough sleep! Children who aren’t getting enough rest can’t possibly sit through a day of reading, lectures and study. Imagine a day of business meetings without enough rest. In his book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
3 – 6 years old: 10 3/4 – 12 hours per day
7 – 12 years old: 10 – 11 hours per day
12 – 18 years old: 8 1/4 – 9 1/2 hours per day
9. Sports or Martial Arts
Enrolling your child in a non-varsity sports program can give them the opportunity to develop the skills required to work within a team structure while also allowing them to burn off energy. Martial arts will teach them concentration and discipline. A weekend soccer team will teach them cooperation and how to work within a group. It’s important to carefully screen the sports program or martial arts class. You want one that fosters self respect, self esteem and respect for others. One which teaches team spirit and cooperation. Classes should not focus on punishment, embarrassment or aggression. They should encourage self-regulation and commitment. The focus should be on mastery and having fun, not competition and aggression.
10. Censor the Adults
Last but certainly not least; censor your mouth and the mouths of other adults who work with your child. I worked with one 6 year old whose teacher would announce to his mother in the pick up line everyday that, “Mike had a bad day today”. I worked with a 9 year old whose mentor would bring him into the computer lab and make the same kinds of announcements – to the entire room. He kept talking about how badly the boy had behaved despite my repeated requests that he stop. In his defense, he seemed totally oblivious to the effect it was having on the child, which was to shame him. Once he was aware of it, he did stop. But in the meantime, the other kids repeated the mentor’s words back to the child during the computer lab and chided him for misbehaving. It was also interesting to watch their attitude toward the child. He became known as a “problem” kid and was ostracized by the others.
Don’t allow your child to be labeled a “problem” child or a “difficult” boy or girl. Don’t allow adults to talk about his or her behavior in front of others, or in front of the child. This is something the teacher should discuss in private with you. Don’t allow the teacher to label them as a “bad” student or any other negative label. And if you don’t believe your child is ADHD don’t allow the teacher or doctor or others to label them as such. I had one parent who adamantly believed that her child had been misdiagnosed as ADHD. She fought heartedly with diagnosing psychiatrists, therapists and teachers to get them to see that her child was struggling with PTSD, not ADHD (he had been sexually abused). She won. The adults who are working with the child no longer ask if he took his medication this morning. They now realize that his behavior is the result of anxiety and fear and work for ways to calm him. They are also no longer labeling him a “problem” child. They now see him as an abused child who needs compassion and safety.
People who truly care about your child will listen and can change their attitudes.
If you have a child who has been traumatized as a result of abuse, especially sexual abuse, please keep that particular information very, very private. People don’t need to know the details of the abuse or who abused them. This can be extremely embarrassing for children who are struggling to make sense of it already. I can’t tell you how many parents I’ve met who announce this in the lobby with their child sitting their trying to crawl under the chair. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Keep private information private. Don’t apply negative labels to your child. Don’t allow other adults to make negative comments or apply negative labels to your child.
The "Problem Child", Scapegoating and the Family System
Another family brings by the "problem child" and drops them off for me to fix. She* is the oldest child of five and has been exposed to severe domestic violence, physical abuse and substance abuse. And she is responding to it as any teenager would – by acting it out.
The family's first attempt to treat the child was, of course, to take her to the psychiatrist who diagnosed her with "Bipolar Disorder" because of her "mood swings" and put her on Risperdal to tranquilize her in an attempt to reduce acting out behaviors at school. I'm still amazed at how many teens are diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder because of mood swings. Isn't that the definition of adolescence? Mood swings? Geez, they must all be Bipolar then. Naturally she continued to act out. So they are now trying therapy.
Most parents want to drop off the "problem child" to be fixed. I don't do this. I insist on seeing the entire family – together. Many therapists don't do this and I really have to wonder why. Is it because it makes it harder for them? Or they just don't know how to deal with that many people in the room and all the dynamics which come into play? Or have they not been trained in family therapy? Seeing the entire family together puts the "problem" child's behavior into context. She is clearly being scapegoated. The entire family ostracizes her because of her "anger problems". Her only problem is that she is clearly carrying the anger for all the other children at the situations and conditions of violence and chaos they have experienced. Like a typical scapegoat she is the truth teller, complaining vociferously about her mother's boyfriends and the problems they create for her and her siblings. She confronts Mom. She says what the other children stay quiet about. This allows the other children to sit and smile and look like angels by comparison. She grabs her sword and shield and does battle against the things that are wrong in her family. She openly defies her mother and the two of them are locked in a power struggle. She is able to do this because her mother puts her boyfriends ahead of her children and this compromises her children's respect for her. The oldest daughter steps up to the plate to claim some of this power, and the struggles begin. The second oldest child is clearly the caretaker. She totally gives of herself to all the other children and provides the nurturing and care that the mother does not. She gives away her food, her turn, her toys, whatever, to keep the peace and please the others. The third child in line is the comedian who makes everyone laugh when things get too tense. Everyone has their role. But you can't see this unless you have the entire family in the room together interacting with and reacting to each other.
If this family can be educated about the parts everyone is playing and change those roles there is hope that the "problem child" won't have to keep acting out the dysfunction of the system. Whether or not that will happen remains to be seen. But that is what will actually "fix" this situation and this child. Fixing the dysfunction of the system fixes the "behavior problems" of the child.
If you have a "problem child" I really encourage you to face the fact that the problem may not be the child. It's most likely your parenting or the family situation. Find the courage to enroll the entire family in counseling if possible instead of scapegoating one child. If there is a boyfriend or stepmother or grandparent closely heavily involved in the family dynamic be sure to invite them to come too. I once worked with a family who had a grandmother living with them who was the major source of much of the family dysfunction. But she refused to come to therapy. What a surprise. We were still able to do a lot of good work about establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries and strengthening the parental bond so that grandmother wasn't able to jerk the parents' chains quite so much and that made a huge difference in the family's interactions.
Search until you find a therapist who specializes in family counseling. Therapists trained in dealing with the entire family may use words like, "Bowenian", "structural", or "systems" therapy to describe their specialty – which is the family as a system.
Home for the Holidays: Dealing with Toxic Families
Blood may be thicker than water, but you can’t drink it. We are told throughout our lives that family is the most important thing. I constantly find myself working with clients who are deeply entrenched in the dynamics of toxic family systems. Helping them navigate these turbulent waters can be difficult, but well worth the effort.
With the holidays approaching, family dynamics became more and more salient as we arrange Thanksgiving dinners and Christmas parties. Families often put us in the difficult position of choosing between family loyalty and maintaining our own healthy boundaries. Family dynamics are heavily influenced by cultural values. Some cultures put a very high value on the closeness of and loyalty to family while others do not. If you come from a culture which places a high value on familial loyalty and your family is fairly toxic this can create a real bind to your own mental health. What does a toxic family look like? Toxicity in families can take as many forms are there are families, so it would be impossible to list them all. I will list some of the more common forms I see, but you can be your own best judge. In general, if your peace of mind is compromised during interactions with your family there are at least some unhealthy dynamics in play. If you are a mature, intelligent, functional human being until you reunite with your family, then you turn into a quivering blob of angst and incompetence, you probably have some toxicity going on. Learning to maintain healthy boundaries can help you separate yourself a bit from the deep eddies of family dynamics that can literally pull you under.
Family Roles
Family roles kick in when we reunite with our families of origin. If you were always the “problem” child at 17 you may still be put in this role even though you are now 45. You may feel you have grown out of this and moved on, but the family has some need to keep you in the scapegoat role. If you are the hero in the family you may feel enormous pressure to keep up your facade of being competent and successful despite feeling otherwise. The lost child of the family may have grown up to be a competent and outspoken adult. But when at home with the family they disappear into the wallpaper. If the family system has a Victim-Persecutor-Rescuer script in play you may get sucked back into that role or game. Now add in a few spouses who don’t understand why your behavior has suddenly changed or why you have started treating them differently and things get really dicey. Add in a history of substance abuse, domestic violence or sexual abuse and things may get completely out of control.
Toxic families often have very enmeshed or diffuse boundaries. This is how you get sucked in. Learning to say “No” can help you create or reestablish a healthy boundary between yourself and the family role or script. Does your family’s Christmas start in November with a lot of drama? “Well I won’t be there is so-and-so comes.” “I can’t believe you invited what’s-her-name!” “Do you know what your sister said to me?”
Drama is usually at least a 3 player game. And it requires you to get sucked into at least sharing, if not carrying, someone else’s emotions. If one family member is talking to you about a problem they are having with another family member, that is a red flag. If there is a lot of emotion behind it, that is a second red flag. Why aren’t they addressing the problem with the person they are upset with? Why are they telling you? Are they wanting you to fight the battle for them? Do they aim to turn you against the other person? Are they scapegoating one member?
Just Say “No”
Before I continue it is important to say that you should always use your own judgement when dealing with family issues. If you come from a very violent or dangerous family you need to carefully consider whether it is safe to interact with them at all. If your family dynamics are so toxic that saying “No” or standing up for yourself puts you at serious risk of mental, emotional, sexual, physical or verbal abuse think carefully before continuing. Your safety should always come first. Some families are so toxic that interacting with them at all can be a danger to your mental or physical safety.
Even in families which are only mildly toxic, changing family patterns can be very difficult. Old habits die hard. It is important to remember than you cannot change others, only yourself. Work on your own behavior and maintaining your own boundaires – not in trying to “save” or “correct” someone else.
If you find yourself in a “triangle”, one person is coming to you to complain about another and possibly turn you against the third person, redirect the conversation back to where it belongs and refuse to engage. “Mom, if you are upset with Mary you should talk to her about it. Telling me does no good.” And change the topic.
If family members threaten not to come to a holiday event, so be it. It’s their loss. You can’t control other people. You also cannot allow them to control you. Just say “No” to getting hysterical about it or being manipulated by it. I have one colleague who finally had enough after years of family members threatening not to come home for Thanksgiving if so-and-so was going to be there. She just said “No” to being dragged into that game. She decided she was going to have a Thanksgiving dinner at her house – period. And whoever wanted to come could. And whoever did not come was fine too. So be it. But whether anyone came or not, there would be a Thanksgiving dinner served at 12:00 noon. When she announced her decision to her family chaos and drama immediately ensued. People threatened not to come. Some said they couldn’t make it to her house and tried to change the location of the dinner. Some said they couldn’t make it at that time and tried to change the time. She shrugged it off. Thanksgiving dinner would be served at her house at 12 noon. Come if you like. But families don’t give up so easily. About half of them refused to come. The half which did come tried to engage her in disparaging the ones who did not come. She said just said “No”. She would not engage in scapegoating people who were absent. Some tried to come early or late in an attempt to push the time earlier or later. She just said “No”. Thanksgiving dinner was served at 12 noon. Thos who were early had to wait. Those who arrived late and were served cold leftovers. But guess what happened the next year? They still tried to have power plays and suck people into old dynamics. They still tried to change the time or location or who would be allowed to come. Those things die hard. But she held her ground. And the next year, they knew she meant it. So they huffed and they puffed – but they showed up – on time.
If your family engages in name calling, making fun of people, labeling or disparaging others – just say “No”. If they do this to you or your children don’t laugh and go along or explode and cause a scene. Walk away. Refuse to participate in it. Draw the line. And tell them, “I don’t allow people to talk to my children that way.” “Please don’t call me that anymore. It’s not funny.” If they don’t stop, walk away. Go to another room or leave the area. Refuse to go along with it. You may have to leave the event all together to convince them you are serious about it stopping. So be it.
If your family is so toxic it is a threat to your safety you may have to completely disengage. If the family Christmas erupts in violence your “No” may have to be to the invitation to come at all. There is no excuse for violence and you should not be expected to participate in or be subjected to it. If Dad is a roaring drunk and ends all holidays meals by breaking up the furniture and eventually hitting someone, why would you expose yourself, your spouse or your children to this?
Stop being at the mercy of family dynamics. Figure out what games are being played, what dynamics are at work and take responsibility for what part you play in them. Then make choices about how to deal with – like the intelligent, mature adult you know you are capable of being.
You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women Communicating – or not
Men and women have different needs and communicate them in different ways. This can create some serious misunderstandings, hurt feelings, frustration and resentment.
Most people typically give the kind of strokes or attention they wish to receive. And so it is with men and women. Both give what they want to receive rather than what their partner actually wants. And this can cause serious problems. Not only does their partner not have their needs met, but they can become quite angry for having things foisted upon them which they do not want.
For example, men often want sexual strokes from their wives. Women typically want strokes of affection or love. As a result, a man trying to show his wife how much he loves her may offer her the sexual strokes he wants instead of the affectionate strokes she craves. Likewise, a wife may heap her husband with affectionate strokes she wants instead of the sexual strokes he craves. Now they are both frustrated. And the more their needs go unmet, the more angry they can become at each other. The more he gives her what she does not want, the more desperate she becomes for what she really needs, the more resentful she becomes and the less he gets of the strokes he needs from her. And the same in reverse. At the same time, both parties are becoming more and more resentful because they are giving away what they want themselves and not having it returned. This creates an even greater need in both of them. This is why it is so important for people to communicate what they actually want and need to their partner and listen to what their partner needs from them.
The Relationship between Trauma, Depression and Anxiety
People often think of trauma, anxiety, panic attacks and depression as four separate "disorders". Indeed the medical model of psychiatric treatment fosters this way of thinking, but it's not always accurate. Many time these four separate "disorders" are all expressions of trauma. Anxiety and depression can be intimately linked. How?
Imagine being moderately anxious all day, every day. That takes a lot of energy and can be extremely tiring. One of the symptoms of a trauma survivor is hypervigilance – being "on guard" all the time, being hyperalert to every sound, every movement, every facial expression or body movement of people around you. If this goes on for a long time, it takes its toll and fatigue, mental apathy and other symptoms of depression can result.
Chronic anxiety can also leave one feeling hopeless and helpless, other symptoms of depression. You don't feel in control of your own life and feel the anxiety is running the show. You feel you are at the mercy of the anxiety. You may even start to avoid places, people and things which provoke anxiety causing your life to get smaller and smaller. This isolating and withdrawing from life can further exacerbate depressive symptoms.
If you experience depression with anxiety, treatment with medications can be fairly easy, or a nightmare, depending on your how attentive your treatment provider is. If you only focus on the depression symptoms you may be prescribed an antidepressant which actually makes the anxiety worse. If you focus solely on the anxiety, you may be prescribed an anxiolytic which can make the depression worse. It's important to get across to your psychiatrist or medical doctor that you are having symptoms of both. There are antidepressants which lift your depression and lower your anxiety.
It's also important to be your own best healer. You don't have to be at the mercy of a doctor or of your symptoms. Educate yourself about your symptoms. Work to maintain good self care. Educate yourself on the effects of proper sleep, nutrition and exercise on depression and anxiety. See also, "Eating for Mental Health", "The Importance of Sleep for Mental Health", "Satir's Mandala: The Components of Happiness".
How to Leave an Abuser
You've finally come to your senses and realized he or she is not going to change and it's time to leave. What now?
The most important thing to do is to prepare, prepare, prepare – if possible. There are times when the only thing you can do is run, and run for your life. If that is the spot you find yourself in, don't beat yourself up. Your abuser has already done that. If you are fortunate enough to be able to prepare your escape think it through carefully. Carefully planning your exit can save you a lot of heartache and headaches down the road. These are not necessarily in order. Do them as the opportunity arises and safety allows.
1. Decide where you can go
Decide whether you are still free enough to walk away or not. Decide where you need to go; to a friend's, a family member's, a shelter or a hotel? What do you need to arrange before leaving? If the shelter has a waiting list, how long will you have to wait? Can you wait that long? If there is no domestic violence shelter in your area, if the waiting list is too long or if you are male and the domestic violence shelter only allows women consider going to a homeless shelter. I work at a homeless shelter and we receive many families due to domestic violence. I cannot speak for all shelters, but we have a security force at ours and are very responsive to domestic violence situations. Notify shelter staff immediately upon your arrival of your situation. If you can provide a clear photo of the abuser and the abuser's name, it will help them keep you and your children safe. Do not think for one minute that you are the first abused spouse to come to the shelter. If you are male, do not think you are the first, or the last, abused male to enter the shelter. If the shelter staff act like they have never heard of this before it is their ignorance, not your shame. We see this all the time, especially since crack cocaine and methamphetamine entered the scene. An educated shelter staff will support you in protecting yourself and/or children from abuse. They should not shame you – whether you are male or female.
2. Put some supports in place.
If you have been with your abuser for any length of time he or she has probably worked to sever other relationships you have (or had) with family and friends. Reestablish those relationships. Tell them what has been going on. Don't be ashamed. The shame is on the abuser, not you.
3. Secure your personal information
That includes bank accounts, credit cards, a security word to pick up your children from the daycare or school, internet passwords to your email, Facebook, MySpace or utility accounts, etc. Change all website passwords. Gather together all of your identity paperwork and secure it: birth certificates for you and your children, Social Security cards, state driver's license or identification, car registration and insurance, and passports. Transfer any property over to your name that you need to (like your car registration) if it will not put you in further danger or further agitate your abuser. Gather any other documents you want to protect from harm; photo albums, letters, journals, school records, university degrees, resume. Place important documents in a safety deposit box and make sure only you can access to it. Make a list of all telephone numbers and addresses you need to take with you; family members, friends, your doctors, the children's doctors, dentists, accountant, attorney, etc. Take an updated copy of your resume and a complete work history. Set up a separate checking or savings account with only your name on it. Be sure to notify the bank of the situation and put a password on your account. Contact Social Security and notify them of the situation for you and your children and put a password on your and/or your children's Social Security information. If you have custody papers for your children, divorce agreements from previous marriages or other court documents of importance be sure to secure those.
4. Communicate
Let relevant people know what is going on. Choose carefully who you trust. If you need to use a password at your child's school or daycare or notify them of a protective order be sure to do so. Communicate with your employer about what information can and cannot be provided to callers or people who come by asking about you. Communicate with family and friends you trust about the situation and what steps to take if they are approached. Be clear with everyone about what information they can and cannot release so there is no confusion.
5. Pack an emergency bag
If you will have to make a run for it, know where you will go and how you will get there. Pack an emergency bag and keep it where the abuser cannot find it. This way you just have to grab it and go when the opportunity presents itself.
6. Change your contact information
If possible, without arousing suspicion, change your cell phone number, mailing address, email address, etc. Make it possible for people in your support group to contact you at the new numbers or addresses. Update your contact information with your job, your children's schools, your pediatrician's office, etc. Be sure to also notify them of the pending separation and that your new information is confidential and not to be released to anyone you don't specify. Think carefully about where you may have listed our abuser as next of kin or as a contact person and update that information as well.
7. Document the abuse
If you plan to file charges about the abuse start keeping records. See a medical doctor and have photos of the abuse made. Tell friends and family and keep a journal of dates, injuries, witnesses and where medical records are located.
8. File charges
If you decide to file charges and/or an order of protection contact your attorney or your local district attorney and find out what the procedure is. Some states also provide relocation and/or financial assistance for victims of domestic violence.
9. Change your routine
If you are concerned about your abuser tracking you down, change your daily routine. Take a different route to work. Change your children's school. Change jobs. Change cities or states if you have to.
10. Report the situation to Child Protective Services
You have a legal duty to protect your children from violence and/or from observing violence. If you are making moves to do so, be sure to report the violence to CPS so you are on record as protecting your children. They may also be able to provide you with relocation services or other assistance, depending upon the state in which you live.
11. If you have a lease
I can only speak for the state of Texas, but there are special provisions for lease holders who have to vacate a premise due to domestic violence. Their lease is automatically nullified without penalty if they follow certain procedures. If your name is on the lease, have it taken off. If your name is the only name on the lease, find out what options you have from your landlord (if you can trust him or her) or your attorney or the district attorney. Don't just walk away and have an eviction on your record if you can help it. It will make leasing the next property that much harder.
These are just a few suggestions of things to think about before leaving an abuser. Safety must always come first and sometimes you must leave when you can. However, if you have the opportunity to prepare a little it can make the transition a lot easier.
Breathing Exercise
It may sound too simple, but many of us forget how important it is to simply breathe. This is especially important for anyone with anxiety. Learning to breathe properly can help you relax as well as increase oxygen intake to all your vital organs and help eliminate toxins from your system.
Deep breathing is important in order to provide vitally needed oxygen to your brain and organs. Your body can live for weeks without food and days without water, but only minutes without oxygen. Your body also detoxifies itself by exhaling and deep breathing aids the body in clearing toxins more readily. Most people don't realize it but the lungs reach almost to the bottom of your rib cage and need to be fully inflated. All of the blood in the body exchanges oxygen for carbon dioxide in the lungs, so inhaling fully and deeply helps provide fresh oxygen to every organ in the body. It also forces the muscles of the chest and back to expand which helps you to relax. Muscles tend to contract when we are tense and this is the counter-movement to that tenseness.
It's important to note that deep breathing is not the same as rapid breathing. Deep breathing is slow and rhythmic. Rapid breathing is shallow and fast. Anxious breathing is also shallow and fast. Deep, slow, rhythmic breathing is the reason many people with anxiety disorders find yoga, meditation and even weight lifting to be helpful in managing their anxiety. All three, when done propertly, require the slow and thoughtful use of breath. If you are already hyperventilating due to anxiety, be especially aware of the emphasis on "slow" and "deep". You may even need to hold your breath for a few seconds on the inhale to get yourself slowed down.
Paul Ford has written an excellent article which describes the technique of "lung vacuuming" complete with diagrams.
If you prefer a video, on YouTube.com you can find Alexander Technique Instructor Eileen Troberman teaching how to inhale and exhale completely in a natural, flowing, relaxed manner. This technique is often used by singers.
How to Help Homeless Children
To help homeless children it is important to understand they environment they live in. The homeless lifestyle is stressful and nomadic. Chronically homeless children are often witnesses to, and sometimes victims of, domestic violence, substance abuse, assaults and death. They lead very precarious and chaotic lives and their family life is usually quite dysfunctional. Chronically homeless families are constantly struggling to pay the rent and stay ahead of creditors. There is little time or energy left over for parenting, nurturing or educating children. Donations and volunteers from the community who want to help address these deficiencies are always needed. But it is important to understand what is needed and how to provide it. These are just some suggestions.
1. Be sensitive
Homeless children are usually embarrassed about being homeless. They do not want to be identified as being homeless, or living in a shelter, or being poor. If you are taking them out in public be aware how you talk about the group, how the group is identified and how the group is treated. They do not want to be spectacles. They do not want to stand out. They do not want to be pitied. One group them on a shopping trip to Walmart, had the manager paged over the PA system that the “homeless children” were in a certain area of the store, then made a production of photographing the children receiving the new clothing in the middle of the store with other shoppers standing around watching. I realize that funding sources often require photo opportunities for their newsletter and other forms of proof that the donated monies were used appropriately, but please be aware of how this takes place. If you have questions, talk to shelter staff about it. When we transport children to public places we do so in an unmarked van and remove our identification badges so the name of the shelter is not visible. We look try to look like an ordinary church or school group.
2. Be honest about your motives for wanting to help homeless children.
The last thing these children need is to be used as pawns to make yourself feel better or to further your cause. I have one organizer for a local church group who constantly tells me she needs enough children to attend their events so that her volunteers can “have a good experience”. I cringe every time she says it. The children in our shelter are not here to make her volunteers feel good. They have serious issues of their own. I also have churches who have received monies through the faith-based initiative program and want to use them to develop programs for the children in hopes of indoctrinating homeless children with their organization’s religious ideals. Using the vulnerability of homeless children to push a religious agenda is also inappropriate. If you truly want to help homeless children you would be hard-pressed to find more deserving recipients of your money, donations, time and efforts. But please be sure you are doing what is best for the children.
3. Talk to your local shelter staff to find out what the children actually need.
The media does not always portray homelessness accurately. As a result, people are often misled about what homeless children need. The best information will come from people working directly in the shelter in your local area. Where the shelter is located can determine what the needs are. Our shelter is located downtown in the middle of a city. Others are in small towns or at the edge of town. These are two completely different environments and the needs of the children in these shelters may differ greatly. Children in our shelter would benefit greatly from having volunteers take them out of the downtown environment to a park or playground where they could get out of their concrete rooms and run and play in fresh air. Children in smaller towns or in shelters out the outskirts of town may have plenty of room to run and play but may need time in a library.
Talking to shelter staff about what is actually needed can also help you avoid donating time or money to things which are already well supported and allow your generosity to fill desperately needed gaps.
Example:
At Christmas our shelter is swamped with gifts and inundated with Christmas parties and Santa Clauses. The rooms in the family dorm are packed to the ceilings with toys. The rest of the year our children go without desperately needed assistance that they actually need. Donating presents at Christmas makes a lot of adults feel really good about themselves, but it doesn’t address the needs of the children. I have literally pleaded with organizations to reschedule their events or gift giving for other times during the year. A “Christmas in August”, right before children go back to school, would be marvelous. Provide them with clothing, shoes and backpacks which are fresh and new like the other children at school. So far I have had no takers. This goes back to suggestion #1. Please be honest about why you want to help homeless children. Is it for them, or for you?
The Christmas situation I’ve described above is what occurs at our shelter which is located downtown in a city. This may be very different in a shelter in a small town. They may be desperate for Christmas presents or activities so that their children will not be the only ones in class who didn’t have a Christmas. This is why I ask that you please check with the shelter staff in your area regarding the needs of their children.
4. Know your population
There are two different populations of homeless children; minor children living with their parents and teens. In my city, these two different populations are served by separate shelter systems. They may all be living together in your town or city. Or the teens may be living out in the woods. If there is not safe place specifically designed to handle teens, they may be thrown in with homeless adults which can be very unsafe for them. So they move to the woods and congregate there in some communities. Think about which group you want to work with. I think everyone’s heart goes out to small children and typically, teens are woefully underserved. But either group is in great need of any assistance you can provide. Decide which population you prefer to work with then find out who is serving them (or not) and what they might need. If you want to work with teens who do not have a shelter system, you might talk to the local police force and see where they are living in your community.
5. Donations
Homeless shelters rely heavily on donations. Again, I am very lucky that the community in which I live keeps us afloat with very generous donations. What kinds of donations are needed?
- Money
Donating funds for shelter staff without stipulating how it be used is very, very generous. It allows shelter staff to fill gaps in donations or funding, especially now with funding cuts being so severe. Cash donations will be used to purchase items children need (diapers, formula, bottles, wipes, clothing, medicine, school supplies, car seats, strollers, blankets, bedding, underwear, etc.). - Clothing
Clothing donations of clean, season appropriate (summer, winter, etc.), gently worn clothes in all ages and sizes are never wasted. Nor are donations of shoes and jeans, especially the popular ones which children are expected to wear to school. Donations of coats in the winter are greatly appreciated. Packages of new, unopened underwear are very helpful. At our shelter we maintain a clothing closet in which parents can find clothing for themselves or their children year round. Homeless children are extremely sensitive about being labeled as “homeless” in school and are even more sensitive about their appearance than housed children. As you would expect, this is even more important for homeless teens. - Time
Most people in the United States are already burning the candle at both ends to keep their own heads above water so asking for time is hard to do. But it is a very, very valuable commodity when working with homeless children. If you are disabled, retired or otherwise have time, but a limited amount of funds, you can still be a great help in a homeless shelter. The time and attention of a caring and functional adult is priceless and costs nothing. Most homeless children live in families who are chronically homeless. I think the media often portrays homeless families as being average, working class families who suddenly loses a job or experience a difficulty and they end up homeless. This does happen. But it is not the norm in my city. Homeless families are typically very low functioning and rife with problems like domestic violence and substance abuse. They move or relocate frequently. As a result, homeless children typically have a very high truancy rate. They are often lagging in school and I see a lot of children with reading and speech delays. How can you help? -
- Tutoring
To sit and read to a child every day or once a week is like gold. Tutoring them in classes in which they are having trouble can be invaluable in helping them catch up with their new class or to make up for lost time. I have worked with many homeless children who are truly gifted. Some are absolutely brilliant. But the chaotic and traumatic lifestyle they are living seriously impairs their ability to function at school and puts them behind. Reach out and nurture these very fertile minds and provide them with the tools they need to succeed in school. If you doubt the importance of this work let me point out that the majority of their parents did not graduated from high school. And homeless children grow up to be homeless parents. Failing to graduate from high school definitely impairs their ability to obtain and maintain stable employment and therefore steady housing. Helping their children complete the schooling their parents did not may offset some of the factors causing homeless children to become homeless adults.
- Be a Big Brother or a Big Sister
Homeless families are nomadic and chaotic. If you can establish the relationship of a mentor with a homeless child and stay in their lives after they leave shelter you may be able to provide one solid rock in a very turbulent life. That may be the factor which prevents that child from becoming a homeless adult. I would not recommend being a source of money or other tangible resources. But to be there to listen, advise and validate a child’s efforts to do well in school or other endeavors in spite of their family’s turmoil may be the factor which makes a difference in their lives.After they leave the shelter, homeless children need people to stick with them in the community and teach them the values of the middle/working class. They need a stabilizing force in their lives that shows them how your average working class citizen functions. Teach them a good work ethic, how to succeed in school, how to interact successfully with others. Build their self esteem and teach them how to succeed in this culture. Give them the tools their parents were not given.
- Take them out
Homeless children in a shelter in a city are cooped up in a classroom the majority of the day, then return to a concrete shelter dorm room for the rest of the evening. To be taken to a park, soccer field, playground or basketball court to run and play and get some fresh air would give them some necessary exercise, would relieve their parents from being cooped up with a room full of children in a small place and would provide some healthy interaction with members of the community. Field trips to age appropriate museums, plays, sporting events or other activites are also very helpful.
- Tutoring
The Effects of Culture on Depression
This may be the reason the “Me” generation in the United States has the highest rates of depression ever seen. This makes perfect sense. Humans are very social creatures and I think we tend to forget that in the West. We live in a culture which emphasizes the self; self esteem, self fulfilment, self care, self awareness. Living in a culture which focuses more on how well you interact with others and your place in and contribution to a group allows people to feel more connected and valued. Being part of a group also provides an individual with a vast support system which inhibits the isolation and withdrawal present in depression. Finally, the emphasis of the West on individual success, which is usually measured in how much money you make or things you possess, is becoming harder and harder to achieve, creating more and more people who are “unsuccessful”. Feeling unsuccessful leads to depression. If success is measured instead by your contributions to and participation in a group, you are more likely to be able to succeed and feel valued by the community in which you function. This would eliminate a source of depression.
‘Culture Of We’ Buffers Genetic Tendency To Depression, Science Daily, October 30, 2009.