Mental Health Blogs

Therapists often help clients struggling with trauma symptoms like anxiety and panic attacks by teaching them to develop what we call an “anchor”.  An anchor helps you pull down fear and panic and steady yourself, much like the anchor of a boat.  It’s easy to use and anyone can do it for themselves, if they know how. 

Before I proceed let me tell you what I tell my clients.  Do what works for you.  I will describe the ideal way to do an anchor, but it doesn’t have to be perfect.  It has to work.  Play around with the technique and find what works best for you. 

A Memory

First you need to think of a memory.  Some time, place or event in your life which has no sorrow or fear connected to it.  A time when you were at peace, content and happy.  Not giddy happy like on a rollercoaster.  We are trying to bring energy down.  A content and peaceful happiness is what we are looking for.  Try to find a memory that has a lot of sensory information with it; sights, sounds, smells, tastes and touches.  Forcing the brain to activate all five sensory fields requires more areas of the brain to be utilized in reproducing the memory, leaving less of the brain to focus on the trauma, anxiety, panic or fear.  

If all of your happy memories are tainted with fear, pain or other negative emotions you might want to use a fantasy instead.  For instance, a client’s happiest memory was the birth of her child, but the child was killed in a car accident at age 7, so the happy memory brought sadness with it as well.  Not a good choice for an anchor.

This is a place to be sure to do what works for you.  Some clients try too hard to do it perfectly, finding a memory which illicits all five sense organs.  However, if you have a more emotionally satisfying memory that only utilizes three sensory systems and it works to calm you down much better – use it!  This is about calming yourself.  This is not a test for who can perform the exercise most perfectly.

By the way, clients seem to find memories that involve water particularly peaceful for some reason.  The form of the water does not seem to matter, whether it is being sprayed by a waterfall, standing in the rain or sitting by a lake.  Water also brings a lot of sensory information with it, so that may be a place to start.  However, I have seen every time of happy memory work.  What is most important is that it is a beautiful, calm and happy memory for you and that it works to bring down your anxiety. 

The Exercise

Once you have pulled up your happy memory, move through the senses it evokes one at a time and try to relive them.  I will move through a scene at the beach to show you how this works.

What do you see?

“I see the blue and green water swirling together near a nearly perfect white beach.  I see a blue, blue sky with fluffy white clouds and a glowing gold sun.  I see palm trees behind me and white gulls floating in the sky to the right of me, then landing on the beach.”

What do you hear?

“I hear the sound of the water lapping against the beach, the wind coming across the water and moving through the trees behind me.  I hear the call of the birds to the right of me.”

What do you smell?

“I can smell the saltiness and fishiness of the water.”

What do you taste?

“Well, I’ve been swimming in the ocean water and when I lick my lips I can taste the saltiness.”

What do you feel (on your skin)?

“I feel the water on my skin.  The breeze is blowing past me and cooling my skin at the same time the sun warms it in a really delicious way.  I fell the sand squishing between my toes.  I feel the water lapping against my feet and ankles and sometimes splashing up on my legs.”

Now sit with that memory for as long as you like or need to.

You have just done an anchor.  Use it whenever you it to decrease anxiety or help calm you to sleep.  Change it in whatever way you need to in order for it to be most effective for you.

Enjoy.

 

I’ve been on hold close to an hour, I’ve been transferred four times and I’m listening to the recorded voice on the other end telling me how important my phone call is to them.  I’m waiting for a “Customer Care Specialist”.  I would settle for simple customer service.

The worst thing about being a therapist is having to follow your own advice.  I wrote a previous article about “Unrealistic Expectations can Lead to Frustrations” and I’m afraid this is the cause of my frustration now.  I expect a customer care specialist to be accessible, helpful and logical.  Big mistake.

The recorded voice prompts me, for the fourth time, to enter my account number, the last four digits of my Social Security Number and my date of birth.  I do so.  A person answers 10 minutes later and asks me for the same information I just entered into the phone.  (It is especially fun to give out all this information when you work in a cubicle.)  I ask why I entered all that information just so they could ask me again.  They assure me it is for my security.  I fail to see how punching it in then saying it serves that purpose.  Silly me.  We spend another hour trying to resolve the problem without success.  Again, more canned responses that have nothing to do with the questions I am asking. 

But the first problem you encounter when using “customer care” is simply getting to a human.  Negotiating the numerous entries you have to make in the phone tree (the automated answering system) can use up multitudes of patience and possibly carve another 30 minutes off your life span.  The website “GetHuman” gives you the phone number and the steps you have to go through to get out of phone tree hell and actually get to a human.  However, even this inside information doesn’t always solve the problem.  For instance, for Bank of America (nationwide) you are told the number to call, then advised what will happen if you try to access a human:  “Press 0 at each prompt, last prompt will be 8, but then it disconnects”.  I had to laugh.  This is my bank and I’ve actually experienced this.  This is probably why Bank of America is #2 in the nation for poor customer service. 

But let’s assume you do get a living, breathing human on the line.  The results are often unhelpful at best and infuriating at worst.  Canned responses that make no sense, transfers to other departments without telling you where they are transferring or the number, the complete inability to understand what the problem even is, denying responsibility and the pervasive tactic of blaming the customer.  When calling Netflix to say that the movie I returned to them was not received, they actually tried to blame me.  Right.  Are they suggesting I am delusional and only think I mailed the movie back when really it is sitting at home?  That I’m reporting the movie missing just to spite them?  Or do they actually think I’m holding the movie in my hand and spending 45 minutes working my way through to a customer service rep to report the missing movie for fun???   When I refused to accept blame they then moved on to the Post Office.  Ironically, I was trying out Blockbuster’s movie service at the same time and had placed a movie to each company in the same post office box at the same time.  When I asked Netflix how the Post Office managed to deliver Blockbuster’s movie safely but lost theirs I got the same ridiculous canned response, that they could not help it if the Post Office lost things.  (The movie was mysteriously “found” a week later by Netflix in the wrong department.) 

(I love the Post Office excuse.  It seems to be a customer service standby.  The Post Office has not yet lost anything I have sent through them so I don’t why it’s such a common scapegoat.  The most ludicrous Post Office excuse I ever heard was from the Social Security Administration.  I had helped someone fill out disability applications for SSI and SSDI in April.  The SSA mailed back receipts for both the SSI and SSDI in May.  They mailed a denial letter for the SSDI in June.  When I called in July to check on the status of the SSI application, they claimed they never received the claim and blamed the Post Office!  When I asked how they managed to mail two receipts and one denial letter for claims they never received they stuck to their position that they never received it and blamed the Post Office.  Uh huh.)

I thought emailing customer service might be easier since it would eliminate the long hold times.  Nope, wrong again.  In an article about email customer service, Forbes.com reports, “When consulting firm Marketspace Advisory tested 30 companies with e-mail queries, fewer than half even answered the questions. Moreover, for those who did bother to reply, the answers were often confusing and offered no method of pursuing inquiries.”  I believe it.  Most email responses I have received are canned responses quoting the FAQ and which have nothing to do with my question.

What can consumers do?  You can vent on the Complaints Board.  If you are creative, you can make a video spoof such as Dave Chappelle’s critique of Kinko’s called “Popcopy“.  You can vote with your wallet.  Before making a purchase Google customer care ratings for the product you are planning to purchase or the company from which you plan to buy it, i.e. J. D. Powers’ “Wireless Customer Care Ratings“.     

In the meantime, lower your expectations of what you will accomplish by calling customer service so you don’t blow a fuse.  Settle in for a long wait, have a back up plan when your issue is not resolved and keep the phone number of a family member or a friend nearby to vent to when you are done. 

Or write a blog article…

Read more about how your expectations can affect your mental health in the “Expectations” section of this blog.

I hear a lot of people referring to themselves or others and “antisocial” and expressing the belief that this means they are “abnormal”.  I think it is important to clear up two major misunderstandings about this way of thinking.

“Antisocial”, in the mental health field, is not someone who is quiet and enjoys spending a lot of time alone or someone who doesn’t socialize a lot.  The word “antisocial” is shorthand for Antisocial Personality Disorder.  An “antisocial” person is basically a sociopath.  Someone who is antisocial has no regard for the rights of others.  They live only for themselves and consider other people only as a means to get what they want.  They will lie, steal, manipulate and maneuver to satisfy their needs.  And they will do so with absolutely no remorse.  They are smooth and glib and lie effortlessly.  Their relationships are parasitic and they have a perverse inability to conform to societal norms. 

I think the word people are looking for is “introvert” as in someone who avoids social interactions and prefers to be alone. 

Introvert is; a person who shuns social events, a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings, a person who turns inward for comfort and sustenance. 

This raises another question.  Many seem to believe that a desire to avoid social interactions and to spend a great deal of time alone is “abnormal”.  Introversion is not abnormal.  It is simply another way of being.  Some people are extroverts.  Some people are introverts.  Some people have dark eyes.  Some people have light eyes.  Both are normal.  They are just differents “flavors” of a human characteristic.  Some people are naturally more outgoing social butterflies.  Some people are more intrigued by exploring the depths of their own minds.  Extroverts are energized and revitalized by being around people.  Introverts are energized and revitalized by thinking and reflecting.  Some very famous people drew their ideas and ideals from quiet time spent alone;  Albert Einstein, Steven Spielberg, Charles Darwin, Mahatma Gandhi and Henry David Thoreau. 

An introvert is not someone who suffers from shyness (or the medicalized “Social Anxiety Disorder”).  Introverts can be quite comfortable and adept in social situations.  They prefer to be alone not because they are incompetent at being social, but because it drains their energy.  Social events stimulate and energize extroverts, but drain introverts.  At the end of a long day an extrovert will look for a party to kick back and enjoy themselves.  An introvert will look for a quiet corner and a book.  Both choices are healthy and normal – for that individual.  People are different and they are nurtured by different things.  Being different does not mean being mentally ill.

I see a lot of parents who want desperately to break away from the authoritarian style with which they were raised.  Authoritarian parents can be demanding but not responsive and can focus heavily on obedience at the price of creativity and independence.  It’s only natural that modern parents would want to be kinder, gentler parents.  But it’s important not to let the pendulum swing too far in the opposite direction.

It’s important in creating a more tolerant and receptive parenting style that you not try to become your child’s friend.  Children need parents to be parents, not friends.  This can be a very difficult balance.  You want to have a close and nurturing relationship with your child, that the lines of communication be open, that you are part of their world and that they can share their experience of it with you without trepidation.  But it is important to remain in the role of the parent. 

Boundaries, Schmoundaries

Children need a clear delineation between the child’s world and the adult world.  Adult problems, issues and discussions should be kept among adults.  Children should not be exposed to adult discussions, worries, problems, emotions, situations or entertainment.  A 10 year old boy should not be watching the same movies Dad watches as if they were buddies.  A single mother should not discuss her boyfriend issues with her young daughter as if she were her girlfriend.  

It’s equally important to maintain healthy emotional boundaries, and this is where things get tricky.  If Dad loses his job and the parents are experiencing financial problems, it’s important that they contain their stress and not process it through the children.  However, you don’t want to negate your child’s perception that something is wrong.  This is a tricky balance.  Ideally, the parents will work together to process their stress and anxiety through each other, through friends and through other family members without resorting to drawing the children into it.  Should the children ask if something is wrong and communicate that they are perceiving stress or worry in the household, it is important that parents validate that their perceptions are correct, there is something wrong, but at the same time maintain the parent-child boundary by explaining that Mom and Dad are working on it together and it is a problem for adults to handle.  Children simply are not equipped with the cognitive and emotional maturity to handle such big problems and such complex emotions. 

Modern Parenting in a Modern World

This can be especially difficult for a single parent with a limited support system.  These days many of us are raising children on an island.  Our families live in other states and because of work pressures our social systems have becoming increasingly smaller.  A single parent may be especially tempted to turn to the child for comfort or support.  This may be especially true with an older child with younger siblings.  The oldest child may become the surrogate spouse.  This can compromise the child’s sense of security if the adult is consulting with them to make decisions.  If the adult is not in charge, who is?  It may also seriously compromise the child’s respect for the parent.  How do you look up to someone who is asking you for advice and you are only 12?  Children may like to get their way about certain issues that concern them (getting to stay up late or being able to buy a new toy), but they do not want to be in charge.  They feel more secure knowing a capable adult is in charge and having clear boundaries between themselves and adult issues.   

Divorce Wars

Parents who are experiencing marital difficulties may find their problems spilling over into their interactions with their children.  If they are divorced, they may send inappropriate messages to each other through the child.  (i.e. “Did your mother have her boyfriend over when you were there?” or “Tell your father to be on time for his visits.”)  Parents should not make disparaging remarks about each other to the children.  No matter what the other parent has done to you they are still your child’s parent and children may have mixed feelings even about a parent who has molested or abused them.  Save your opinions for other, adult family members or your friends. Don’t put a child in the position of having to join in the disparagement of their parent or to defend them from your attacks.  It’s simply not fair.

Modern parents have many, many challenges in trying to raise healthy, well balanced children.  Most parents want to be better parents than their parents and that is commendable.  Many parents want to build more nurturing and supportive relationships with their children than they had with their own parents and I am inspired by their efforts.  Though I think our society has a long way to go in protecting children’s rights, I salute parents who are trying to make the childhoods of their own children kinder and gentler than the one’s in which they grew up.  Staying in their role as the parent and maintaining healthy boundaries with their children can help them develop closer relationships while protecting their children’s right to be children.

 

I was always afraid of guns, because I didn’t understand them.  So I decided to learn to shoot.  I didn’t realize I was going to learn about a lot more than just firing a weapon. 

My instructors were two old Texans, one who had served in the United States Calvary and the other a German American veteran of World War II.  I was practicing at an open range one day when the old German walked up to talk to me.  He owned the range where I was shooting.  He complimented my shooting and asked why I didn’t come more often.  I stood there, with my gun pointed at the target in my outstretched arm and replied that I preferred to come when there were fewer people there.  I found other shooters to be too distracting and intimidating.  “NO!”, he shouted with his thick German accent.  “When you are shooting a gun your mind should be HERE (he slapped my gun hand) and HERE (he slapped my forehead)!  You should not be worrying about what other people are doing!”  And he walked off. 

While that was sinking in two young men walked up next to me and began to shoot.  I carefully took aim and fired off a round into the respectable pattern I was making on the target.  The guys next to me were shooting rapidly, “Pop, Pop, Pop!” Red hot shells flew out of their gun and rained down on me.  “HERE and HERE”, I repeated to myself and refused to look at what they were doing.  HERE and HERE.  Keeping my focus by sheer mental determination I continued to shoot.  I felt like a dumb girl slowly taking aim and firing a single round, aim, shoot, aim, shoot, while they fired off rounds in rapid succession next to me.  I was sure they were professionals and felt like a foolish amateur, but I was determined to finish shooting the box of bullets I had brought.  HERE and HERE.  Aim, shoot.  “Pop, Pop, Pop!”  A flaming shell bounced off my head and fell down my shirt.  I quickly shook it out, then refocused, HERE and HERE.  Aim, fire, aim, fire.  I was making a nice, tight pattern on the target, but it was so slow as I practiced good form and proper technique.  Aim, fire.  A shell bounced off my shoulder.  Aim, fire.    “Pop, Pop, Pop!”  A shell bounced off my head.   Aim, fire.  HERE and HERE. 

I finished the box of bullets, unloaded my gun and moved back to break it down and clean up.  For the first time I looked up to see what the guys next to me were shooting.  I studied their target – and studied it again.  It was blank!  Puzzled I watched more intently.  The targets were placed in front of a bank of dirt and as I watched, “Pop, Pop, Pop”, their bullets did not hit the targets but everything around them.  Clumps of dirt flew up in front of and above the targets as the bullets hit with wild abandon.  I almost fell over laughing – at myself!  Why did I naturally assume they were better than me?  That they were the experts and I was the amateur? 

The old guy was right, about shooting a gun and about life.  HERE and HERE.  Focus on your own performance.  That’s all that matters. 

I remember the first day I walked into the gym after years of being a bonafide couch potato.  After 5 minutes on the treadmill I was gasping for breath.  I watched as people around blithely ran for an hour, barely breaking a sweat.  It was daunting and not a little intimidating.  But then I remember something I had learned along my journey in life…

I’ve learned through the years to look backward instead of forward and ask myself, “Am I better?”  Am I better than I was a week ago?  A month ago?  A year ago?  In addition to looking at where I want to go, I look at where I have come from.  From a life of couch surfing to standing in a gym was a major improvement.  This put things in proper perspective. 

As for the people running effortlessly around me, I can not know what shape they were in when they started at the gym, nor how long it took them to reach this level of fitness.  They may have always been athletes and achieved if effortlessly.  They may have been couch potatoes like myself and fought for a year to get to that place.  Either way, we are all on a different path and it is not fair to compare myself with others.  They have not walked my path.  The only fair comparison is to myself.  Therefore the only fair question is not, “Am as good as someone else?”  The only fair question is, “Am I better than I was?” 

Many of my clients struggle with this same issue.  I have a saying that give to them, “Progress not Perfection”.  I have worked with clients who have stopped abusing crack, alcohol, sexual acting out and smoking, but are beating themselves up for eating a poor diet and not exercising.  I have to stop and remind them where they came from.  They are not in the crack house or passed out somewhere.  They didn’t wake up in someone’s bed and not know how they got there or what transpired the night before.  They’re worrying about nutrition and exercise.  Gee, I think “you’ve come a long way baby”.  Remember where you started and how hard you fought to be in a place where all you have to worry about it improving your diet and getting a little exercise. 

By the way, I became one of those people running for an hour on the treadmill.  It’s in there.  You just have to give it time.

So take it easy out there and walk your own path.